This year, we celebrated our 10th anniversary. We didn't have a party - though we'd planned to. We sort of forgot. We had a lovely weekend camping on Exmoor though. (We quite often do this instead of grand plans and it's almost always better.)
But I've been thinking: I didn't speak at our wedding. I suppose I wanted to let him get a word in edgeways for once in his life. But maybe I'd say a few words at an imaginary anniversary party. A party that would somehow involve speeches (because we are that grand). So here is what I'd say:
"Let's raise a glass in celebration of a one-night stand that went horribly, horribly wrong.
Before I met S, I had a list of requirements for a new boyfriend. I wanted a grown-up: own car, decent job, own hair. [cue laughter: he's bald bald bald] But, across the crowded party, my eyes were drawn (not for the first time, I'm afraid) to a shiny, shaven head. What can I say? I have a type and it's a niche market. But it was the smile that kept me looking.
An evening talking nonsense at party 1 led to party 2 and more nonsense. Then - trumpets sound! - our first kiss. Let's make it clear: I was not going to kiss this man. For once, woman, you are going to have a male friend. You are not going to snog him, ruin it. Just keep it clean for once. Skip the awkward morning after, keep him forever.
Well, the moment - and his lips - loomed large. I just remember seeing the white out-of-focus disc of his face approaching (did I say we'd had tequila?) and thinking "Oh, I'm not going to be able to get out of this one!" He was so funny and friendly, I wasn't exactly going to push him away. So in he came for the clinch.
There is a picture of us, taken almost immediately after this kiss. He is looking a little bit dazed and a little bit stoned (well... it was a party). I like to think he looks a bit smug. I am looking sheepish (and so YOUNG!). I'm pointing at my mouth as if to say "oops!" but my eyes are shining.
So, let's glaze over the details but - ho hum - we went back to his place.
And to use a footballing analogy. It's not so much that it was a great match (I mean, it was fine, honey) but the post-match banter was amazing.
There was no awkward morning after.
I did get to keep him forever.
And because you guys [at the imaginary party, remember] want to get on with drinking and chatting I'll probably leave it there. I won't embarrass you by saying that my favourite thing in the world is still lying in bed chatting and giggling with him. And that I wish we did it more.
I won't tell you how pleased I am that I kept him. That he is the most amazing husband and father, because he looks after his boys and me with such love and hard work. How we all know we're at the top of his list of priorities at all times. He's my best friend - and he's a bloke!
I won't tell you all that. But just for the record. It's true."
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